I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

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I’m not really sure what to call this post. I’ve thought up around 103 titles for it and I hate them all – all sounding like some sh*tty, patronising quote from those self help books that are always at the front of WH Smith stores in busy train stations and airports. SO, let’s just go with whatever I’ve decided to name it by the time you’re reading this.

I have  come to the conclusion that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

Genuinely not a clue.

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Just a few weeks ago, myself and my friends from uni were out for lunch and what was supposed to be a ‘few’ drinks. Pre – alcohol fuelled disaster (a totally different story), we were discussing university, what we’d like to do after graduation and what we would like to do in our future careers. None of us had the faintest idea – Not one. But, I suppose there’s some kind of solace in knowing that it’s not just me who feels like this. I feel like I’m just floating around and tiding along in a giant river of 20 somethings who have no idea what they are going to do in life.

As soon as you mention university to someone in general conversation, nine times out of ten they’ll ask ‘so what can you do with your degree? what do you want to do after you graduate? what field of work will you go into?’and it’s at this very moment where I want to shrivel up and die. I don’t f*cking know where I’ll end up working, there are 100 and 1 things I could do with my degree but I just don’t know what it is exactly that I’ll do.

It’s not that I’m thoughtless and that I don’t have my shit together. I do (mostly, I swear). It’s just that I don’t know what I want to do. I really don’t. And I don’t care. I feel like not knowing what’s around the corner is mildly terrifying but it’s also a little bit exciting. I feel like everyone is thrown out in to the world after school and is expected to have a ‘plan’, some kind of holy document that is the be all and end all. If I can’t stick to a weekly meal plan for longer than 2 days then how am I meant to stick to a plan that is meant to last until I kick the bucket?

I remember getting my old iPhone in the Vodafone shop three or so years ago and the guy serving me -maybe not that much older than myself- told me (bored me with) his 10 year plan. Sorry, but do people under the age of 40 make 10 year plans? Are 10 year plans still a thing? Well, Mr Vodafone customer assistant man, I hope you’re working for whatever company it is you were planning to work for in China and I hope that your next seven years are as boring as your first three probably were.

There is no f*cking fun in planning. Call me naive but planning is shit.  Life throws too many curveballs and surprises at people for planning to be worthwhile. Being so restrictive about what you’re going to do in the future is honestly the least appealing thing to me. Spontaneity is fun. Lots of fun.

I don’t feel scared about not knowing what’s going to happen in my future. I’m learning to take whatever life throws at me and I’m almost entirely at peace with the uncertainty of what will happen. There are too many people my age worrying too much about their future and what it holds. I know what I certainly DON’T want to do in my future so I guess that’s a start. Instead of a 10 year plan, I’m going to buy myself a wonderfully overpriced sparkly Paperchase notebook and fill it with lists of ‘potential things I’d maybe quite like to do but probably won’t before I die’.

Leigh.

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7 thoughts on “I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

  1. I can relate to this post SO much, honestly, thank you! I’m graduating from uni in around 6/7 months and I genuinely have no clue what I’m going to do, or what I even want to do. I’m glad to know there are others who feel the same. Really enjoyed this post because it’s 100% real and the closer it gets to graduation the more worried I’m getting because I don’t have a “set” plan, whilst others around me are applying for post grad jobs or further degrees…x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nah girl, I totally get you! It’s honestly terrifying – I’m only in 3rd year and don’t even know if I want to stick around for my honours year. Part of me wants to go and get a job and part of me thinks ‘you’ve stuck it out this long, you may as well wait it out’. I thought I was the only one too but it’s good to know it’s not just me! Thanks a lot for reading, hope you’re well! x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s weird because I actually have a post in my drafts along the lines of this. I get you completely, one thing I’ll say is that honours year goes in so quickly, it’s actually crazy that the first semester is practically done. No problem, you too x

        Liked by 1 person

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